Insert

I read that rectal thermometers are more accurate than the armpit variety. If your baby has a slight armpit fever, as Lyla did last night, then it might be wise to get a second opinion from the butt.

I have repressed my own infant experiences of being violated by a thermometer, but I believe the one used on me was filled with mercury and afterward returned to the kitchen wall. And I know we already have a rectal thermometer around here somewhere, given to us as part of a pre-baby care package, but we couldn't find it, our brains having apparently repressed its location.

So at 6:00 this morning, I bought the most expensive one in Walgreens, the Cadillac of rectal thermometers. For $13.99, you get "professional accuracy in ten seconds" and a "short probe tip" that "helps guard against over-insertion." The tip is also "flexible for added comfort." I like that: added comfort, as if this Cadillac also has leather seats.

Oh, and the thermometer looks nothing like a traditional oral one, so we won't have any unfortunate mishaps later.

Once I got home, Julie and I tag-teamed Lyla, and she took it like a champ. Ten seconds later, the butt had spoken: 99.2 degrees. Nothing to worry about.

*Update*

"Dan, did you clean it?"

"Um, yeah. Sure, sure."

"Dan, the bacteria that will live on the end of that thing until the next time you shove it in her butt is too much for me to deal with."

She's so anal.