Quacking

I'm trying not to become obsessed with comparing Lyla to those various baby normalcy charts. Lyla is eight weeks old, which means she should be waving her arms around while quacking like a duck. And if she doesn't, then she probably needs Ritalin.

I remember my post on bowleggedness, on how doctors say it almost always goes away by itself. But at various points I've wondered what signs I can look for to determine whether her legs are de-bowing at a normal rate. Give me a chart that averages American babies from the past century with regard to relative bowleggedness at different weeks of life. That way if she's off the chart I can invent a de-bowing machine in my garage out of twine and bamboo shoots.

And this whole crawling thing has me in a tizzy. If she doesn't crawl, then is she more or less likely to win a Pulitzer? Hasn't anyone researched this? What effect does crawling have on the pre-frontal cortex? Are there flashcards I can buy to fill in any gaps left by not crawling? Of course, she's too young to crawl right now, but I'm just thinking ahead.

At Babies R Us they sell baby head calipers. I'm not joking. You see, if a baby lies on one side of the head more often than the other, the head can become lopsided. Haven't you seen people walking around with smooshy heads? Probably not, as they almost never leave the house. Well it's important to make sure your baby's head is absolutely symmetrical, and it's almost impossible to do so with the naked eye. You need an expensive caliper. Plus, they'll sell you a tab that you move back and forth in the bassinet or crib to remind yourself which head side the baby slept on last night. NEVER go two days in a row with your baby sleeping on the same head side! They say that's the mistake Jeffrey Dahmer's mother made.

And tummy time. All babies need tummy time for 10-15 minutes every day, or else they'll never crawl, and they'll probably never walk or poop in a toilet either.

Julie's friend's son hated tummy time, just hated it. Now he is about a year old and--this is kind of odd--he crawls all over the place! How did he do that? Must be extremely gifted. Perhaps they'll publish his case in a medical journal.

Or maybe, just maybe, those charts exist in part because some people wanted to write their dissertations. Perhaps it's not necessary to freak out over how your child matches up. Perhaps individual children are not statistics.

Lyla will sleep on the left side of her head tonight, just in case.