Praise

Are parents too obsessed with self esteem? If we praise Lyla all the time, will we set her up to be extrinsically motivated? Will she grow up doing things only to please us? Then when she's a teenager and rejects us, will she become lazy and unmotivated?

When Lyla does something remarkable such as tilt the toy box in the photo above, I don't tell her what an amazing box tilter she is. Instead, I say something like, "You have tilted the box to you!" simply reinforcing what she's done, implying that the action itself is innately good, not good just because I say it is.

Does that make any sense? Here's another example. Say Lyla does something that helps in some way. Perhaps she remains quiet while I'm on the phone. I do not say to her, "Good job letting Daddy talk to Mommy!" because that would place the emphasis on me as the one who approves or disapproves. Instead, I say to her, "Thank you for letting Daddy talk to Mommy!" because it teaches her (or will teach her, with much repetition) what behaviors are innately good. Plus, saying thank you demonstrates good manners whereas saying good job to everything is only appropriate if you're training a puppy.

Maybe I'm full of it, but I think empty praise hurts kids. I see high school kids who have become little sycophants because they think that pleasing their teacher is all that matters. They're not really interested in learning. Still more kids work well below their potential because they realize that they don't care much about pleasing their teachers or parents--and no one ever taught them to be self-motivated, to appreciate the innate value of learning.

So when Lyla expertly sucks food from her spoon, I say, "You sucked the food!" and hold back the direct praise in hopes that 15 years from now, she'll be interested in Shakespeare just because.